Death of Sardanapalus
by ann no aku
Summary: Vash comes to terms with himself after using his angel arm for the second time. Takes place after the Fifth Moon episode.


Death of Sardanapalus

By: Ann no Aku

****

Author's Notes: The "Death of Sardanapalus" is a painting done by Eugè ne Delacroix. The painting shows the suicide of an Assyrian king because his city has fallen as a result of his officials betraying him. The city is up in smoke, and the soldiers are killing and raping the women in the painting.

****

General Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Trigun nor the "Death of Sardanapalus".

For the first time he opened his eyes. He was seeing the world in an all new perspective. It was red like a painting of blood. He was amidst the rubble of another fallen city, and he wanted to die. _There is not hope for me,_ he thought. _Maybe everyone is right. Maybe it'd just be easier if I did die._ His heart was too tired to argue with him. Ever since the death of July, the strain on his hold of reality was breaking. Twenty three years later, it snapped.

_Someone died here today_, he thought regretfully. _It was me. But sometimes the dead continue living because they have nothing else to do. I don't want to live anymore._

For a brief moment, Vash's heart did cease and all that he cared about seemed non-existent. He tore off his red trench coat and left it in the pieces of Augusta. Red used to mean something important to him, but all it was now was the life he had to leave behind. There was nothing worth living for--no one to save. He couldn't stop death. He wasn't God.

"I don't want to be the hero anymore," he told himself. "I am too tired to save people that only want me dead. I'd be much easier just to kill everyone so no one else would have to suffer--to stop the pain before it happens." Vash got up slowly, not caring too much about his own pain from when Rai Dei had shot him. "I can do this." His feet shuffled along the dirt making their own way to an unknown destination. Vash's hand supported itself on the hilt of his gun. "Only one has to die, right? Only me?"

His slender fingers shook as they slid the gun from his holster. His knees sunk to the ground as he pulled the trigger; he barely missed the bullet. "Ugh, get up, you damn fool! Don't you have the courage to even shoot yourself?!" He could not cry. Would not.

"Vash!" a voice called from a distance.

"No. .stay away." He pried himself from the dirt and cocked his gun at the visitor. "I told you to stay away."

"Vash . ." Tears glistened in Meryl's eyes. She slapped him across the face. "You stupid jerk! Look at what you did!"

"What do you want, Meryl?" He replaced his gun and looked away from her.

"I-I came here to help you, Vash! You blew up another city. You're lucky that no one had died!"

"Someone did die, you're just too blind to see it. Will you go now?" As he started to turn away, Meryl touched his elbow.

"Back off!" Vash grabbed her wrists and held her tightly above the ground. "I killed someone, Meryl. I am not afraid to kill you either."

"H-How can you say that?" she stammered.

"Easy," he replied coldly, then dropped her. "I don't need some silly woman following me around." His dead green eyes studied her. She appeared disheveled and upset. In an odd way, it excited him.

"You're not him! You're not Vash the Stampede!!"

"But I am. I am a womanizer," Vash pulled Meryl into his strong arms. "I destroy entire towns and leave all of my victims to suffer. Death is too good for them." His robotic hand touched her face, and the fingers followed a tear down to her chin. "I have even been known to take advantage of-"

"That's not true!" she protested, trying to break free. Before she realized, Vash's mouth was pressed tightly against hers. Meryl could barely struggle beneath his powerful body. _Please,_ she begged,_ make him stop!!_

His eyes flashed open, no longer the soft green they once had been. Instead a deadly blue replaced where his eyes once were. Vash's hands removed Meryl's cape and hastily tore open the fastens on her blouse. "I cannot stop. You see, Meryl, I don't care what happens to anyone anymore."

"Vash!" she cried out in both fear and desperation. Her hands tried to conceal her exposed body, but Vash managed to hold them behind her back. "Please . .this is not like you-"

"You do not know me," his words felt hollow to her. She shuddered from his harshness and the cold night's air.

Meryl bit her lip so hard she drew blood as Vash ripped into her. He was not gentle as she once had imagined. "Please, Vash . ." tears streamed down her face.

"Is that all you can say?" he demanded of her. "I'm insulted." His shoulders bled onto the ground and some onto her.

"What are you doing, Vash?" Meryl managed to ask through her discomfort. "This is not like you."

"I know . ." He could not stop hurting her. It almost felt like a release. "This is the new me." After a few more painful thrusts, Vash picked up his gun. "Don't I deserve to die now, Meryl?"

_Is that what this is about?_ she wondered. "No."

"Not after I raped you? I can do it again?" His body trembled above hers.

"If that will make you happy . ."she looked away from him, feeling ashamed.

"If I die . .everyone will stop. He will stop." His index finger tugged on the trigger, not quite pulling it back all the way.

"What the hell's the matter with you, Vash?" She did not yell at him. "You've never killed anyone. You are a good person."

He fell silent.

"You used to be so happy. Where's the Vash people fell in love with and adored?" When Meryl did look at him, it was as though she was staring at death itself. His face was slightly bloody and bruised, but he was empty.

"People wanted me to die!" he pressed the gun closer to his temple so hard that he bled. "I want to die . ."

"Then shoot yourself, you coward! I thought you hated suicide more than anything else!" she screamed at him.

"I hate living."

"Liar! You just hate yourself! Well, I'm not going to give you any pity. Not after all that you have done."

"What did I do?" he asked, his body shaking so violently that he could barely support himself. "I killed!"

"No, you didn't! But killing yourself will not solve anything! The damage is done. You cannot change it."

"I want to die," he repeated before collapsing on top of her, his gun was still pressed to his head. "No matter what, I end up destroying something and a piece of someone's life is taken away. Some_thing _always dies. This time, it has to be me."

"Then what are you waiting for? I don't want you to live, either, if this is how you plan on living."

"So that's how you really feel, huh?" Vash pulled away from her and put his clothes back on. He turned his back to her and raised his gun. "I'm sorry it had to end this way. The dead me never wanted to hurt you."

"Vash. ." emotion filled her voice. Meryl knew that it was the end for him.

"I've been alive too long. I've been alive long enough to see the first sunrise here."

"W-What? How old are you?" It felt good to have the subject momentarily changed.

"Does it matter? You hate me. All of you do. Even _he _hates me. I hate myself. There's nothing else to live for."

"I don't hate you, Vash."

"Too late." His finger found the courage to pull the trigger all the way back.

"VASH!" Meryl screamed and rushed to his side after wrapping her naked body in her cloak. "Vash . ."

"Ran out of bullets," he half smiled at her then fell back onto the ground. "I guess I wasn't supposed to die today." His face felt warm.

Meryl took her hands out from under his head, having tried to catch him. "I was hoping it was tomato juice . ."

The End


End file.
